Many marital therapists tell couples to expect less.
This advice is wrong. Donald Baucoma psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect.
1. you are "everything" to your partner
People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations Good enough relationship to be in relationships where they are treated well. This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.
They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse.
Intimacy and friendship: essential ingredients for “the good enough” relationship
They expect their partner to be loyal. This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict.
Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it le to greater understanding.
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People should not expect to solve all of the problems in their relationship, either. As Dr. As a father, the best way to buffer my daughter from being in a bad relationship in the future is to treat her with love and respect, so she will expect to be treated the same way by her partner.
In our empirically-based theory, the Sound Relationship Housewe describe what couples in the good enough relationship do and have. They are good friends.
Five s that your relationship is affected
They have a satisfying sex life. They trust one another, and are fully committed to one another. They can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can repair effectively when they hurt one another. They create a shared Good enough relationship system with shared values and ethics, beliefs, rituals, and goals.
They agree about fundamental symbols like what a home is, what love is, and how to raise their children.
If you want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox:. World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples.
He is the author of over published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Search for:.
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. Allow me to explain. Expect that.
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