|What is my age:||48|
My sister was dating a guy who we thought was an okay guy. They are both in their late 30s. Two months into dating, my sister got pregnant. He is divorced and has a 3-year-old daughter. After speaking with her therapist, she realized that moving in together was a horrible idea, and she retracted her offer.
He completely lost it. As my sister told me more, the red flags were flying high.
So my sister made the most awful decision she has ever had to make and decided to terminate the pregnancy. Now, two weeks after her abortion, she tells me that she is still with this guy.
For the love of all that is holy, WHY?!? I already told her I will never have anything to do with this man and he will never be a part of my family.
I know that may seem harsh, but given what she told me, I want nothing to do with him. My sister is beautiful, talented, funny, and successful, and she is wasting her time with this deadbeat.
But the best thing you can do for your sister is accept that the choices she makes as an adult are hers and hers alone, and then continue to love and support her unconditionally. One caveat: If you think the relationship has crossed the line and is abusive, not merely dysfunctional, that is something to seek professional help in resolving.
Not only will listening this way allow you to have more compassion for the dilemma she likely finds herself in, but it will also give her the space to hear herself better—no matter what she decides to do. This voice is what made her receptive to changing her mind about having her boyfriend move in with her.
We all have these dueling voices within us that represent a part of us that wants something and another part that goes against the thing we want. It will be because the most powerful truths are the ones we come to, little by little, on our own. Anxiety can either motivate us to change or prevent us from changing.
Ask her about her loneliness, her desire to be in a relationship, whether she wants to have. Ask her what she likes most about her boyfriend and also what concerns her, even if she decides to stay in the relationship. Keep in mind, though, that moving forward for her may mean creating a future with this boyfriend, so as you listen to her, try to see his good qualities through her eyes.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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