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So, why do we hurt the ones we love? Our bad behaviour is a desperate attempt to try and reconnect with them.
To satisfy our need for connection, we should practise vulnerability instead. Being vulnerable allows us to form healthier connections with those around us. Have you ever shouted at your partner, and then immediately regretted it?
Although these behaviours make us feel guilty, they can be hard to control. In fact, some people feel unable to stop hurting the people they love. Why is this? But why do we feel insecure in the first place?
Well, research suggests that insecurity is characterised by feelings of shame. The more shame we carry around with us, the worse our behaviour is.
According to ScienceDirectexcessive shame causes people to act in self-destructive ways i. This would show us that we are worthy of love and connection thereby reducing our feelings of shame.
This behaviour is fairly common in people who feel a deep sense of shame. If we carry a lot of shame, we need constant reassurance from our partner that they are not going to leave us. Threatening to leave our partner is a cry for attention.
Do you lose your temper at the smallest things? Perhaps your partner leaves dirty underwear on the floor, chews too loudly, or forgets to recycle the milk cartons.
So, why do these inificant habits make us so angry? Well, these habits threaten to disconnect us from our partner. The fact that our partner forgets to recycle suggests that they are a bit careless.
We complain about these bad habits because we fear disconnection from our partner. Ironically, this causes further disconnection because it le to arguments. We may belittle their achievements to stop them from becoming too confident. In fact, it will lead to feelings of guilt and disconnection. This sense of unworthiness may have been formed in early childhood, due to an insecure attachment.
The causes of hurting someone you love
Negative childhood experiences such as bullying can also make us feel unworthy. Chronic shame is common in people with depression, social anxiety disorderand eating disorders. However, shame is a normal human emotion and we all experience it to some degree. Remember, we said that shame is linked to feelings of unworthiness?
Well, to manage shame, we need to believe that we are worthy of love and belonging. To truly accept we are worthy of love and belonging, we must be willing to be vulnerable.
This will enable us to forge deeper connections. Becoming more vulnerable is a challenging thing to do, especially if you carry a lot of shame.
Here are some tips to help you get started:. We hurt them because we feel shame and unworthiness. Remember, shame is the fear of disconnection and rejection.
So, in an attempt to reconnect, we shout, belittle or threaten our loved ones. We should embrace vulnerability because it allows us to form authentic connections. Filipe Bastos.
Intimate relationships & marriage
Through my personal experiences, I have always held a strong interest in human suffering and satisfaction; this greatly influenced my career path. I then completed a postgraduate diploma in philosophical counselling before being trained in ACT Acceptance and commitment therapy.
I've spent the last seven years studying the encounter of meditative practices with modern psychology. I've found that besides the known benefits meditation can bring to our lives, such as reduced stress and anxiety, improved quality of sleep, decreased blood pressure; the greatest benefit of meditation is the possibility to feel at peace, despite the external circumstances of our lives.
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